When You're Smiling
by Hellerick Ferlibay
Summary: A short story about a crucial conversation Lila had with an eversmiling boy. [One shot]


Hi. I've written a story I would never expect from myself. I don't know what to think about it. Maybe you'll find the first half is kinda boring, but it's something you have to cope with to you'll have to overcome it to reach the main part.

DISCLAIMER: Of course I don't own Hey Arnold. Viacom does, sadly. The idea of the story is borrowed from Theodore Sturgeon's novel with the same title. Theodore Sturgeon is a great American SF writer; check his _More Than Human_ book — you won't regret it!

The story is written from Lila's POV. Her thoughts addressed to herself are _italicized_.

* * *

·

**When You're Smiling**

·

_Oh Lila, it would be a perfect day if you could get..._, I think while running through the high school halls. _If you could..._ And here I notice the wending machine.

"Yes!" exclaim I and run to it. "Please honey, please my darling, do work...!" With shaking in exasperation hands I try to insert a coin into the slot. But it's no use.

"Arrgh! What's wrong with this world! There's no droplet of coffee in the whole school!" I shout louder than I should.

Some guy turns his head and gives me a strange smile. It seems I'm not alone who's seeking for coffee here.

Well, I have nothing to do here anymore. I sigh and walk to the cafeteria. I know coffee isn't the healthiest of the drinks, but well... being too perfect is a flaw too? Okay, today will be a healthy day. Huh, that was a rhyme... _But a silly one._

Oh, the line is short! Maybe it isn't a perfect day but it's still a good one after all.

"Good morning ma'am. One orange juice, tapioca, and asparagus salad. — Thank you very much ma'am."

I take my tray and walk to the tables. Actually I do like orange juice. But just now I want some coffee — just a little cup... Oh coffee, I almost can smell you...

No! I do smell it! Somewhere in this room there is coffee! _Sniff, Lila, sniff!_ I walk down the aisle. I know my movements still are graceful, my face is calm, and my smile is genuine. But anybody who knows me well enough would say that my body is shivering in impatience. My eyes madly scan the area around me.

"Ouch!"

_Lila, what you're doing! In your desperate search for coffee you've almost knocked down this poor guy!_

Oh, my...! COFFEE! A cup of coffee defiantly stands on his tray. I can't help it and gulp. This guy... I know him. He was in Mr. Simmons's class when I had just moved to the city. Damn, what's his name? _Lila, don't swear._ Thank goodness, he doesn't seem to be angry at me. He smiles — it seems he has recognized me. Well, I'm difficult to be forgotten. Maybe it doesn't sound modest but it's true. Okay, say something, Lila.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going. Ha-ha." _What a stupid laugh, Lila. You should quit doing it._ Then I switch on one of my best smiles and say: "Oh, it seems you got the last coffee. You know I've..."

I can't believe it! He just took his cup of coffee, placed it on my tray, and took my orange juice instead. What a gentleman! I can't believe such guys still exist in our world. And his smile... Well to say the truth it's anything but cute, but still... it has something special.

"Oh thank you! The etiquette rules say that I should refuse to take it, but I don't think I have enough willpower for it now." _Honesty is best policy._ Crap, what is his name? _Think, Lila, think._ This U-shaped thing drawn on his T-shirt — he had similar one back in the fourth grade.

"Wanna sit with me?"

That's I who said this? Ah well, okay, he seems to be a nice guy. He barely nods, and I lead this shy silly-smiling boy to the farthest table in the corner of the cafeteria — there is no use in having too many witnesses now.

"Here's okay with you?"

He nods again and we sit at the table. It seems he is not very talkative one. Now, what I have to talk with him about? Oh my, I have coffee now! I take one sip of it.

"Oh, it's magnificent! You don't know how I needed it and how I'm grateful to you." _Ah, it seems he doesn't know ANYTHING._ He just sits in front of me, smiling, and looking at me. He doesn't even touch my orange juice. Yeah, he always was very quiet. I don't remember whether I ever heard his voice.

Well, I can't go on with that coffee crap for ever. What do we have to talk about now? _Be honest, Lila. What are you REALLY curious about?_

"Er, tell me, Park..." — '_Park'! Yes, that's his name! Oh thank you, my sub-consciousness! But calm down, Lila_ — "Tell me, Park... Do you think I'm perfect?"

He looks somewhat surprised at me. _Good shot, Lila! You've shaken up him a little. But the modesty level pointer is in the red sector now. Do something._

"Excuse me, Park" — 'Park'! What kind of name is that? — "I know it is a strange question, but it is what I always worried about. You may call me a perfection freak." — _Well done, Lila. Good self-criticism. And the honesty is out of dangerous level now._ — "And I know I am not alone in it. Look at any girl we know since fourth grade: Rhonda, Phoebe, Nadine — all of them try to be perfect — even Helga in her own 'special' way. All of them are trying to fit into image they think the people around consider perfect for them. But it seems I am the only one who's doing it consciously."

_Oh, look how tense he became when I mentioned Helga. Maybe he has a thing for her? Okay, remember it, Lila — it can be useful. But not now. Okay, let's try it: RHONDA._

"You're still friends with Rhonda?"

"WHAT?"

_Wow, he can speak! Just look at him: he looks as if you've offered him a rotten rat for dessert. But the score is 1:0 to Lila now. By the way, Lila, it's a very interesting technique: to ask obviously stupid question to get __somebody _talking.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Park. I've always thought you two are friends..." — _That's not true, Lila!_ — "Er... Or rather it seems to me you two were somewhat alike. You both were moving in sophisticated societies, were somewhat stylish" — _Of course if you consider wearing of the same blue T-shirt with huge 'U' every day stylish._ Huh, I still remember what his T-shirt was? Miracles never stop.

"No-no. After that incident with her mother's mink coat we hardly could be friends anymore."

"Mink coat? The one Curly got stained?"

"No, Curly had CLEANED it. And I was the one who stained it. Unintentionally of course. I was too clumsy I guess."

"But that was... I don't know, we were ten or something back then? And she's still sulky with you? But to say the truth that's her all over. She thinks it's very classy to have a grudge against somebody for six years."

He's silent again. _The score is 1:1 now, Lila. Today's lesson number two: don't draw a conclusion for him. Okay let's criticize Rhonda a little._

"Well, Rhonda always had that problem. She blindly followed the society's prejudices and stereotypes. Remember what happened two years ago?"

"You mean the hospital?"

"Yes, when she was put to mental hospital with her 'nutrition problems'. Who could guess that she would get there sooner than her lunatic 'boyfriend'? What she was doing to herself just to have slim figure? Do you remember how she looked?"

"I do." — His smile widens. It seems I've chosen correct tactic.

"Right. And look at me. I have excellent figure..." — _Modesty, Lila, Modesty!_ — "I mean er... You know what I mean. But trust me, I haven't ever used any special diets or something; I never went in sports, cheerleading or anything of that kind. I am just reasonable and I assure you, that's quite enough to have good figure."

"Your coffee, Lila."

Heck, it's cold already. _Watch your language, Lila._

"Thanks, Park, it seems I've quite forgotten about it. And thanks again for sharing it."

"You know, Lila, my dad works at the mental hospital."

"I didn't know that."

"Yeah... He has told me that story. It's quite a sad one though."

How he can say it with this huge grin of his? I don't get his feelings: he's pitying Rhonda, or laughing at her?

"But hasn't he revealed a patient's secret?" — _Little more sympathy to Rhonda now_ — "But you're right. In fact she's rather a victim of our society and its rules."

"Or a victim of concurrency in it."

"The concurrency makes us better, Park."

"Yes, Lila, survival of the fittest. I always liked Darwinism..."

While I take the last sip of coffee he becomes silent again. It seems he's lost in thought now. I wonder what about. _Okay, enough about Rhonda. Now PHOEBE._

"In some way the same concerns Phoebe."

He's a little startled by sudden change of the subject.

"What about Phoebe?"

"Yeah, I know, Park. She seems to be fine. She wins half the contests; all the colleges already plead her to attend them, and so on. But look at what she became. I remember she used to be such a cute little girl. But all she did was studying, studying, and studying again. She broke all the relationships: at first with Helga, then... yeah, her break up with Gerald won't be forgotten for VERY long time. And her glasses? They're an inch thick or something? And what she wears..." — _You went too far, Lila_ — "Oh, I'm sorry, Park. I don't know what came upon me. I'm so venomous today. But it really hurts when I see what's happened with her. What is all this overachieving for?

"Look at me, Park. I'm not the first in sciences, but I'm a steady runner-up. I won't have any troubles with college in the future, and yet I have enough time for everything I like."

He says nothing. Just sits in front of me and grins.

"Everyone changes in time, Park, and mostly to the worse I dare say. Well, maybe everybody except you and Arnold. As long as I can remember you always were the same: silent and smiling. That's kinda your philosophy: if something happened, don't say anything, accept it with a smile. Maybe you're gonna become a prophet of some new religion? Hey! That huge 'U' you have on all your clothes — maybe it isn't a letter, maybe it's a symbol: a divine smile or something?"

"No, Lila. But you're right in something."

"Ha-ha" — _Li-la! That stupid laugh again!_ — "And Arnold... He's still following me like a puppy. I'm afraid to count even how many times I've told him my infamous 'I don't like you like you'. I'm already mocked for it. Of course he's a great guy and I wouldn't mind to hang out with him, if not his persistence."

"But you do hang out with him very much. You usually sit with HIM at lunch period by the way. Don't you think you give him some hope all the time?"

"Alas it seems that he takes it this way. But that's he who always sits with me. What should I do? Avoid him, be cruel with him? Sometimes we go to movies or something like that; but I clarified my position to him perfectly: we can't be more than friends. Sometimes I go on dates and I would be sincerely glad if he would date somebody too." — _Ha! Sincerely!_ — "Okay maybe I would be jealous a little. But it's normal to be jealous when somebody is preferred to you." — _Okay, now your Secret Weapon_ — "Speaking of possible dates for him, I remember Helga..."

Just as he hears Helga's name, Park suddenly bursts into uncontrollable laugh. Several kids turn their faces to our table. Crap, he draws too much attention to us. _Lila, stop swearing!_

"Oh come on, Park! I haven't said anything funny. Everybody knows now about that crush she has for him since it seems forever. Okay, maybe everybody except Arnold himself. I personally was told all about that by Phoebe in that short period when she broke her friendship with Helga but still was sociable. And once I've even made Helga herself to admit it...! Oh Park, I remember the time when I had just moved in the city, just after my mother's death. I was a simple country girl, I feared everything, I tried my best to get everybody to like me, I put that stupid 'ever so' into every sentence... And there was she, HELGA. She was forceful, strong-willed, smart, and sharp-tongued. And yet... I remember how she tried to hide herself every time when Mr. Simmons was reading those 'anonymous' letters. I personally witnessed a couple of times when she showed that gentle side of her. The first time I saw her I was astounded by her Nordic beauty: cold, furious, and tender simultaneously. Gosh, I liked her so much that I even doubted my sexuality..."

_WHAT! Where the last line came from? Who's a bashful teenager with a thick tongue here, you or Park, Lila?_ Has anybody heard that crap?... Phew, that was close. It was a wise decision to sit in the corner of cafeteria to speak with this geek. _Lila, don't sw... ah okay, swear. Think something up, and fast, Lila. Who know what he'll be telling to his friends? Of course if he has any._

"I m... meh... I mean" — _Just peachy! Now you're stammering_. — "I mean, if could a find a guy with such brilliant qualities I would do anything; I bean... I mean ANYTHING to him to be mine.

"Ah, Park, everything would be almost por... perfect. I would have a steady boyfriend. Arnold then would understand that he should go on and... maybe he would glance at Helga. Well, the latter is very doubtful t-taking into consideration her looks. 'Goth' would be the most polite name for... for it.

Ah, it's terrible. What's going on with my tongue?

"Yes, Lila. Everything would be just fine... if you did mind your own business."

Whom does he take himself for!

"Hey, Park. Don't be rude to me. I'm sincerely trying to be good. It's just circ... circum... stances. I c-can't help it."

"Your tongue seems wooden? It's one of the first effects."

"Ef-fec..."

"Effects of _hypnesychine_. It was in your coffee."

"Of wh..."

"Hip-knee-sigh-keen."

"They... add..."

"No-no, Lila. They don't add anything to coffee. In fact I'm surprised that you haven't heard of it: the school patronage committee decided that coffee and energy drinks aren't suitable for students of our high school. So, they won't be sold in cafeteria anymore."

"B-but..."

"Where I'd gotten the coffee you've drunk? Oh, I've brought it with myself from home. It was really hot, wasn't it? I've bought in an on-line store an electrical thermos flask that can hold the temperature at 160 degrees. You won't believe it: it's supplied through USB port! You may be proud: I've made that coffee especially for you."

And put that 'hip-knee' thing there? What for, bastard!

"Why...?"

"Oh, look at how well it works: you're listening to me. For the first time in seven years. Though it seems you have some troubles with communicating now. I've already told you that my dad works at the mental hospital, haven't I? Well, they use hypnesychine when they have a patient is making too much troubles. Just thirty milligrams of the magical powder and the patient can't control his muscles: no jerking, no shrieking. The main rule here is: don't overdose."

"And...?"

"How much you've got? I don't know, I've poured whole the ampoule to the flask. But it seems that it was pretty much more than thirty milligrams."

_Great, Lila! You're alone eye to eye with this sick pervert in the corner of crowded cafeteria!_

Heck, my body… It doesn't obey to me! As if it was somebody else's!

I try to move the fingers of my right hand. Nothing! Please, my God, please... The index finger is stirring! Thank, goodness!

I hear somebody's walking past me. I need help! I concentrate whole my force and throw my body to the right.

"Khelll..." whisper I, but my harsh voice is interrupted by a startled exclaim.

"EECH! Oh Lila, that was VERY funny!" I hear Nadine's angry voice and the sound of her steps storming away.

Park stands up from his place and comes to me.

"Oh Lila, how clumsy you are," says he as he straightens me in my chair. "But honestly I can't blame you for that. You would do something even more foolish if you would know what the symptoms of overdose are."

He sits to his place again.

"You already almost can't control your body. All the processes in it are slowing down..."

Except my heart! I'm surprised that nobody at the next table hears its beating!

"... your breathing is less and less frequent, your heart tries to feed your blood with oxygen with all its strength... but it's no use. It will fail and your brain will die of lack of oxygen. The cardiac insufficiency."

"Al llooff..." my lips whisper words I can't make out myself. But he understands them.

"As Ruth...? Ah you mean that accident that happened in the swimming pool with Ruth McDougal last year. Yes something like that. The cases of youth cardiac insufficiency are quite frequent now, you know. The only difference in your cases is she didn't like coffee, she preferred rum in Yahoo soda can."

_Sick lunatic! Oh how could you get into it, Lila!_ Sign. I need to give a sign! My hand... It isn't moving, not moving! But it lies on the table in a quite unnatural position. Prey God, let somebody notice it...!

"Lila, personally I don't have anything against you. It's just... Well, you remember you've asked about my 'U' sign? It is my sign indeed. But it isn't smile. It's a mask I wear to hide my scowl. People like you... I can't bear you! I physically can't.

"All the things you do... Every time you step! You make the life of the people around miserable. Rhonda was put to mental hospital 'cause she couldn't compete with you in beauty. Phoebe became social outcast 'cause she was afraid that you overcome her in studies. And Helga... the most marvelous person I've ever seen. What her life had become? Her mother is alcoholic, her father was put behind bars for financial crimes, her sister committed suicide..."

What I have to do with it!

"Of course you can say that you aren't responsible for it. And it's truth. But Helga's life always was terrible. She lived only with her love for Arnold. And you... you stole him. You stole her only hope."

I didn't keep him in a cage! All these years she didn't even try to approach him!

"Sorry, Lila. 'Stealing' isn't a right word. You haven't done anything wrong, Lila. At least formally. It's just the way you are: you're ruining lives of the people around, whether you wish it or not.

"But to say the truth I'm doing it not for Helga, Arnold, Phoebe, or Rhonda. I'm doing it for myself. I'm not an avenger, Lila. I'm not your judge. It's self-defense. What I feel when I'm near you is almost physical pain. I survived seven years of continuous torment, Lila. I couldn't bear your presence anymore. I had to make a choice: either you or me.

"I'm sorry that I had to do it, Lila. You know, in fact I liked you all this time..."

He liked me! How he can say something like this...

He looks to the left and notices there somebody.

"Oh look, Lila. Here is the 'lover boy'," he says to me. He turns, waves with his hand, and cries: "Hey Arnold! Come over here!"

Arnold!

Seconds later I hear Arnold's voice.

"Hello, Park. Here you are, Lila. I was searching for you everywhere."

Arnold! Do I look like normal self! I can't move! Look at my right hand! How can Lila in her right mind hold her hand like this!

"Take a seat, Arnold."

"Thank you, Park. But I don't want to interrupt here anything."

"Oh come on, Arnold. There is nothing to interrupt here. We just had a little talk; I'm leaving already."

Park stands up, and Arnold hesitantly takes his seat. But I hardly can see him: my vision is blurring.

Arnold! My hand...!

Park walks to me, leans and... gently takes my hand.

"You know what?" he whispers to me, "You're smiling now."

He kisses my hand and carefully lays it on my lap.

"Thank you for the nice chat. Bye, Arnold. Farewell, Lila."

Park walks away.

I hear Arnold's voice.

"Whoa, 'Farewell, Lila'! I've never seen him like that, Lila. What were you two talking about?... What, not in talking mood today? Park on the contrary seemed to be unusually talkative... And the way he was smiling... There was something unusual about his smile. Mind you, he almost always is smiling, but there was something special in his smile today. Something... that makes me believe that everything is going to be okay now."

Arnold's still saying something.

But I can't distinguish his words anymore.

·

* * *

Huh, I'm evil, yeah?

You know, I always thought that Lila is interesting underappreciated character. The way she acted in _Arnold and Lila_ episode... it's very strange. My hypothesis is she has 'double mind': the first — 'the inner mind' — can control the second one — 'the outer mind', and it in its turn controls her body. That's why she suddenly decided not to like-like Arnold — inner mind 'vetoed' possible relationship with Arnold. In this fic I tried to show the work of this double mind: the italicized lines are the inner mind's ones.

Note: we don't know exactly what's going on in Lila's head. We have episodes from Arnold's POV, Helga's, Phoebe's, Sid's, Rhonda's... but nothing from Lila's POV.

And what do YOU think about Lila? And about Lila and Park in my story? Please review.

— _Hellerick C. Ferlibay_

PS. If you wanna read a 'good' Lila + Park story then read _The Perfectionist_ by Dralora.

PPS. Park has made a fatal mistake. He has left the coffee cup on the table. And everyone knows that coffee hadn't been served in cafeteria that day.


End file.
